Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
