upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
