I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
