Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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