tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
