Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
