somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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