It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
