i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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