Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
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Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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