I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
