Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
3pm strippers are depressing
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
