So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
