you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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