so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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