Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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