I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
