the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
