where am i from again
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
