meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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