I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
