I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
bring money and cleavage
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
