The beer is more important than you right now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
