I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
