i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
