so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
