I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
