Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
