You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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