dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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