party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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