I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
