And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
