About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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