Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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