sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
