Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
