Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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