i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
