whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
