There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
