At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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