I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
