On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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