We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
