Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
