i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
home. puking in laundry basket.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
