i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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