She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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