So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
