Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
