probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
