we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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