i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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